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markgillett June 8, 2011 at 12:39 am

Hi Kes,

I will address your points again only because its a close subject….

Before I would like to express my beliefs are from experience as well as study personal. I take and took very seriously my work with performance sport and have formed many opinions based on literally thousands of junior tennis players I have been involved with since 1980. And their parents.

Firstly I feel strongly that children do not primarily play sport because they love it or enjoy it. They love activity, especially boys but sport they learn to enjoy. Their instinct is, as with all baby mammals, to fight for the best “milk”. They do this by pleasing the parent and when they see the joy the parent gets from those first lesson, thus begins the circle of confusion….. Parents believe the kids love it and the kids believe that they are making their mummy or daddy very happy so enjoy doing whatever it takes.

Many parents then get confused about what sport is all about. As a parent you enter your child into the arena of tennis, soccer, cricket or rugby, or one of the many other sports that are becoming so popular and you then try to convince them that enjoyment is the primary reason and that fitness and health are the next reasons. The child then gets confused as the reaction to any loss by the parent is usually out of proportion to the importance they initially put on enjoyment.

The reason for playing sport simply is to learn to compete and win fairly and with honour. Thats it. As a by product and still a very important one is the learning of how to lose, deal with pressure, have the feeling if winning then losing and vice versa. It is impossible to win all the time. You also learn to enjoy all those elements if you work hard toward your goal but obviously the one that gives the most pleasure is of course winning. There is no doubt about that.

I use to ask children what was the reason for playing tennis and 90% would quote their parents and say “fun” or “fitness” which was so sad really. I would then ask if they enjoyed losing. No one did!. Another question I would often ask was “when did you last play tennis?” and the answer was usually their last training session in their minds. It was not, of course, as the last time they played tennis was the last match they played – sometimes two or three months earlier. Everything else is training and not the sport.

Its important to know that around 90% of kids on a programme are there for the activity and do not get too much pressure from parents other than to perform at their level of club or school sport but the other 10% are those who are very confused about what it takes to be a performance sports person.

So that give you my take.

As for finding their own path, I think this happens naturally when they become their own beings and not the being they are when trying to please their parents… Usually after their teens. I believe it is our responsibility as parents to give them good grounding, good opportunities without blurring the lines, so they can form their own direction… I also believe that when we see them forming their paths is the right time to start “pushing” or helping them achieve even if its different to the one you want. I had a girl on my programme who could have been extremely good. Had all the qualities, good parents, money and task driven. I wanted her in our academy. I sat with her, discussed her passions and it was clear it was on the athletics track not tennis court. I met the parents, and pushed her that way. I think her parents were more that way too. She became a high national runner at 800m within months – top 2 in the country at u13. What a relief sh no longer had to please her parents in two sports but just one and one she preferred and could concentrate on that. Later in ife she could always pick up a tennis racket and get better quickly if she wanted.

Now back to my theory of pushing and performing.. It is those parents who push in the early years that usually end up with the superstar sportsmen later in life so this begs the question which is right. For me it is totally dependant on the family and if it suits and works to push, then do it. If you are not a pushy parent, don’t but do not expect wonders and do not blurr the lines. So when your child does not perform so well or seems less interested in an “opportunity” its only because it does not seem so important to the parent that they do not need to please them with total commitment.

I think there is a lot of fulfilling ones own sense of underachievement but thats just life. The immigrant who lands in London with nothing will produce the next champion sportsman. Agassi, Sampras, Navratilova all good examples. The US rarely produced champions out of the good all American kid…. Even John McEnroe was the product of second generation Irish immigrants.

The premise that parents see a road to fame and fortune, I am not sure I believe some might for sure but its the minority. For many just as a way to keep up with what everyone else does. Most people are sheep…. some because they have too much money, others just because…Many flirt with the idea of having a superstar but never really commit to it. I had a few who really thought their “little Johnny” could be a world beater on 8 hours a week. Thats just ridiculous. But I do believe that so many are plain clueless as to why they do it or just don’t give it much thought and any goal without purpose or reason is not a really a goal and will lead nowhere.

You finish up with why you do it… Which is different to why your children do it and your reasons for them doing it so I will leave that one… You are adult enough to know why you do it… I hope that gives you a more detailed take on my behalf..

I DJ WEDDINGS August 12, 2011 at 12:37 am

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BajaSportfish August 13, 2011 at 11:06 pm

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